Our Love Psychics On Love and Romance

Falling in Love,
Getting Started

Falling in love is scary... a lot of relationships go off the tracks before they even have a chance to get started.
Here are some of the Love Psychics' secrets for avoiding some of the pitfalls... in the beginning....

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Opening to Relationship,
Tricky Business....

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What about that new relationship?

Opening to a potential romance is tricky, no doubt about it. There are three hidden pits of icky gooey quick sand that each of us must cross before a relationship is on safe ground...

The first is that we have to figure out how to be friends, the second is that we have to learn to be direct, to not read into the relationship, and the third is that we must have a life by ourselves before we’re ready to have a life with someone else.

Here are some useful hints for avoiding the quick sand at the beginning of your next romance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friends or Lovers, Which Comes First?

Lovers come and go, friends last forever....

I am often dismayed at how easily men and women "go for the jugular" when they first meet a potential lover. So many folks immediately start checking out their prospects for marriage, or at least a significant relationship, without taking the time to see if they have anything in common, if the new relationship is worth their investment, or if the object of their attention is even mildly interested in reciprocating.

Now, according the astrologer of our team, I ought to qualify some of these remarks based on your astrological chart... earth signs like me, do prefer to take relationship a step at a time, while fiery Scorpios, need some kind of an instant spark in order to get their attention in relationship. And, frankly, even this earthy Taurus really needs some decent chemistry happening pretty early in a romance, before I’ll be willing to consider it worth my time. That said, I’ve learned well the need to be a friend in a relationship - and saved myself some serious embarrassment once or twice.

Here’s a good example of what I mean.... Last year I was introduced to a very attractive man with whom I felt an instant connection. Great sense of humour, intelligent, witty, we shared a lot of interests... there was every reason for me to give this man a second thought, and even a third and fourth, hadn’t met anyone in years who seemed so compatible. Yet there was something that held me back, first of all, as I said, I had learned well the need to be friends first, but my instincts, remember I am a psychic, said, "no, not this one, Danielle... just lie low here". As time passed, I saw what I was on about. I would have had to make a lot of compromises to have an intimate relationship with this very sensitive, quite unhappy, angry and somewhat traumatized man. I chose to keep a romantic distance, to opt for friendship and as a result, made myself a fascinating and fast friend with whom I can share a lot of my life. If we’d become lovers when the spark first manifested, we probably would not still be friends.

There’s more to this story. My friend was into some inner work, wanting to heal, both physically and emotionally from a demanding career in community service, and also a quite abusive childhood. He was not in a position for relationship, not even interested in intimacy at this point in his life. While he was into sex, he was definitely not up for getting involved with anyone - although he expected that attitude to change, for the moment, that’s how it was.

Recently, we had a very interesting little incident that underlined the rightness of my choice of friend over lover. The woman who introduced us found out that he spent a fair amount of time with me, and out it came that she was jealous. She became very angry with my friend, said some rather unflattering things about both of us, made some assumptions about our relationship that were simply untrue. I was not surprised. I had avoided this woman over the year, she was an acquaintance, an ex-neighbour, so it was easy to just drop out of her life... I knew she would be jealous, that she was very much attracted to my friend, had frequently "appeared" in his favourite haunts- although they were not her own... and I knew that he had no interest in her, in fact found her quite unbalanced, was not at all attracted physically...

My friend was utterly confused about her reaction: "where did that come from, when did I ever give her any reason to think that I might be interested in her?" He was even more rattled as, over the next days, the story unfolded through another of her friends that they had been competing for his attention for over two years, and had both "claimed" him, thought of him as a "boyfriend in the making." He just couldn’t figure out why they hadn’t seen his lack of romantic interest in them.... that he just wanted friends.... and he didn’t understand why they assumed that he and I were lovers.

My answer took him by complete surprise. "A lot of grown up women (and men) haven’t grown up yet. They’ve still got their noses in some Harlequin Romance idea that every man is a potential Prince Charming. Many folks have no concept of the relevance of friendship in a relationship because they’re all caught up in the romance and the possibility, frankly, of getting laid, permanently. Rita assumed that I would bed you and try to tie you to me as boyfriend, because that’s what she would do, at the earliest possible moment. She wouldn’t see what was really going on for you, because she’s blinded by her need for a man, any man who’ll show even a little interest will do. Even if there’s not much happening there, she can’t see it because she doesn't want to; she’ll use every little friendly gesture you make to prove that she’s right in holding on to the belief that you’ll eventually fall in love with her and make her your wife. The possibility that you might care was all she needed to keep her hoping... and even a false hope is better than living with the possibility that she might end up alone... "

What shook my friend up was that he himself hadn’t seen it... everything I told him fit, he could recall some small incidents when she had completely misinterpreted his interest in her, once when he hadn’t paid enough attention to her, she thought they were on a date, and he thought they were just sharing an interesting lecture... Poor Rita, a very needy lady...

That’s so often the trouble in relationship - we put our need, our desire for a partner, beyond any reason - and then we seem to think that we don’t have any choice in how we deal with the relationships that open to us. Oh well, he’s fat and homely, he kicks his dog and hates his mom, but, if this is all there is, well... hey sweetheart, you want to come home with me tonight, and never leave??? While I know that’s a bit of an exaggeration, that is the tone of the many calls we receive about new relationships...

The neediness acts like a wall - puts a very large and thick barrier between us and who we want... and the fear that we’ll never get what we want, acts like a magnet, drawing to us exactly the men we don’t want...

Neediness and fear are the two primary reasons why I always recommend, no matter how strong the initial spark - make friends first, get to know this new person.... Even when the spark is there, friendship first is essential in any long-term relationship.

Mary-Anne and her husband Daryl, are a perfect example of what I mean... they were immediately drawn to each other, from the beginning there was some real chemistry happening on both sides, an undeniable passion. And they didn’t waste any time following up on it. But they also spent a lot of time learning to be friends... in fact, they never really "dated", instead, they did the things that friends do together. They rode their bikes in the park, went fishing, played baseball; they "hung out" together, rented movies, played cards and shared books. They got to know each other so that by the time they decided to marry, they were both close friends and hot lovers.

No matter what the outcome of a new relationship, checking this person out as friend is always a wise first step.

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Don’t make mountains out of molehills... Ask, don’t read

Take the time to learn to communicate honestly and directly, if he can’t take it, you probably don’t want him...

The next big mistake we make in starting new relationship is reading into it a whole lot more than is there... Men and women are not so subtle, especially not these days... If a man likes you, he’ll let you know, unless he’s unusually shy... and you won’t have to "read" it - he’ll call you when he promises, he’ll let you know that he cares... and if he doesn’t, don’t sit there assuming, ASK!

If you find yourself investing hours of every day dreaming of this new person, for heaven’s sake, stop wasting your energy - be brave, ASK this person what they feel... then be willing to really listen.

Rita not only "went for the jugular", a lover, and thus turned my friend completely off - but she also wasted two whole years fantasizing about a man who had no interest in her beyond a passing friendship. We’re middle-aged women who should know better than that, and who should have a lot more "real" life to keep us stimulated, happy  and enthused.... If only she had been willing to look, the truth was in front of her all along, she didn’t have to embarrass herself in the end with some foolish behaviour... The trouble was that once she was committed to having him as a boyfriend, she searched for any small action from him to affirm her belief, and deliberately overlooked all those actions that were typical of a friend... Now my friend is a charming, gentle man, and warm, probably quite affectionate when he’s with a partner... I could see how Rita might have misinterpreted some of his actions. But why couldn’t she see what I had, that this was natural, automatic behaviour for him when he was with a woman? And when he didn’t start calling more frequently,wasn't seeking her out, certainly wasn't asking her out, why didn’t she simply "belly up to the bar" and ask him what he felt about relationship and if he thought there might be anything between them? Why agonize in silence for so long, pretending...?

The few times that I have been confused as Rita was, and caught myself reading into relationships more than was probably there, I decided to clear the air. One of those times, I was right, an old and dear friendship was shifting under my feet, and for a time we had a lovely romance. But in every other case, I was wrong - and my prompt action saved me from making some bad mistakes, and also salvaged the relationships. In most cases, the men were also wondering, were also feeling that spark, but when we brought it out into the open, we realized that our having held back so long was probably a good sign that we should just stay friends. And so we did....

Sometimes, both sides are making mountains out of molehills, both so anxious for a lover, a mate, a life partner, that you’ll both start reading more into the relationship than is there. And sometimes, in the end, those relationships actually work, over time the pair manage to fall in love... but most often they don’t. Be willing to be brave in relationship, to check with the other person about their feelings, hopes and desires, and especially their expectations - then you’ll easily avoid the second quick sand pit in starting a new romance.

Get a Life!!!

Notes on the White Knight Syndrome...

So many women are waiting for some white knight to come along and rescue then from their lives.... I’m appalled, and sometimes even a little ashamed of us as a species...

Who is going to really want you if your life is boring, or worse yet, a mess? While Cinderella give us all hope, and some wonderful "fairy stories" really do happen - and every day; chances are, not for you... chances are, you’re going to have to do it the hard way - get your life in order, be someone interesting, desirable; chances are, you'll need to get a life, to take care of your own problems first - then you’ll be amazed at who comes along to help you.

Poor Rita managed to get trapped in every one of the quick sand pits in her pursuit of my friend. He might have forgiven her for going for the jugular and also for making assumptions about his interest in her, had she been an interesting and dynamic person with a lot going on to share with him. Unfortunately her life was falling apart, and every time she spoke with him the story got a little worse. I know that she was wanting comfort from him, feeling him as her white knight, her rescuer, someone who would have answers for her in her time of need... but he eventually stopped going to some of his favourite coffee shops so he could avoid her for awhile. He was too needy himself and felt embarrassed by her needs, eventually downright annoyed.

Some men are really into rescuing women and vice versa... but again, beware, I don’t see many of those rescuer/victim relationships hanging in there for the long haul... In every case that I have followed over the years, the caretaker eventually gets tired and opts out.

So my best advice to anyone wanting a new relationship is to "get a life", and a life of your own. Your potential partner will start to shrivel and move away from you if s/he finds you "enfolding" yourself in them too soon, expecting too much from them too soon... And the more there is to you, the more independent and capable you are, the more meat there will be in the relationship, the more you will have to share with each other.

It’s about expectations. If you don't expect your man to be a white knight, if you have something real and substantial in terms of a life to share with someone, one day, chances are he really will be that white knight.

My sister Paula and her husband Dan met in their mid-teens and were married at 18. They’ve been close friends from the first days of their relationship, soul-mates who understood each other easily. Paula certainly wasn’t looking for a white knight when she met Dan, and he certainly wasn’t into being one. More than a quarter of a century later, three handsome and quite brilliant boys, two gorgeous grandchildren, and numerous degrees now fueling their partnership, Dan has become Paula’s White Knight, the man who occasionally rescues her from herself and brings her back to earth.... That new man in your life could also turn out to be your white knight, but only if you don't expect him to be....

Romance can lead to long-lasting relationships, sometimes as friends, sometimes as lovers, sometimes as both in a committed partnership... true partnerships work when both sides are willing to be open and honest with each other about their expectations, needs and desires. This requires that each individual feel a measure of personal security and accomplishment in their lives, then that the pair develop the security of friendship in their partnership, a willingness to be real, to see things as they are, not as they’d like them to be, and commitment to frank communications.

Falling in Love is easy. Staying in love takes a lot of hard work... these notes should make it easier for you to decide whether to invest your time and energy in making that new relationship work. It’s easy to get past the quick sand, when you know where to look.

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Advice and Insights on Love and Romance

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Love Psychics answer your questions about Love and Romance

Ask Our Love Psychics
On Being Confused About Love
Will He Still Talk To Me, Even Though I Lied?
Why can’t I get a boy friend?
Finding the One, on Soul Mates

The Power of Love
Discourse on Love
Love as a Mystical Experience, Living in Love
A Life of Passion
Love Needs the Right Environment
Loving Your Work
Serge Channeling Kris on Love

Tips on avoiding the quicksand in love and romance

On Loving and Listening
Opening to that New Relationship
Friends or Lovers, Which Comes First
Don't Make Mountains Out of Molehills, Ask Don't Read
Find the RIGHT Partner
The Biggest Barrier to Finding Your Soul Mate
Love Makes the World Go Round...
Why Humans Make Lousy Lovers
Love With a Proper Stranger
Get a Life! Notes on the White Knight Syndrome
Love, Neurochemistry, and Chocolate:  a Word from Cupid, Ph.D.
What's Wrong With Being Single?

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